Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
You Might Also Like
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas