Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Breaking news:
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me