If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Ok who’s got my black socks?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.