Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Incredible customer service.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
🌱🌱🌱
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY