Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*