I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*