A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
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When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
*gets down on one knee*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Dance like you’re not the father
Genius idea!!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*