When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
sugar glider wrangler
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
wish me luck lads
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Hey I worked for it too!
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…