My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
And bowling should be called pinball
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”