[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT