friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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Who does Amazon think I am?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
they really do be looking like this
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.