Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
You Might Also Like
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”