[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
OMG 🤣🤣
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Has there ever been a more American story?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.