Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I cannot call her anything else now
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.