*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?