Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
True freaking story!
This is why I hate group projects
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem