Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.