Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
The Wolf of Wall Street.