I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
listen closely
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”