[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
August 8
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
me and my fake scenarios
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY