Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week