My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.