When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
You Might Also Like
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Midwest trash talk
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day