What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.