Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*