Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
s
oc
i
a
l
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work