I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Möther may I have a snäck
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago