Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”