Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you