me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
You Might Also Like
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Why are bridges so flammable.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*