[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best