[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
You Might Also Like
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
how was your vacation
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!