I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Vodka burrito was a success
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no