Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
when you are just born a rebel
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.