If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!