Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
OH. COME. ON.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.