Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble