You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs