Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
You Might Also Like
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.