3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.