[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin