all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”