Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
You Might Also Like
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud