A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.