you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl