Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
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me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.