Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.