My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.