That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.