Storm Tropical Storm
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.